FOUND!!!!!

One of the many reasons I barely graduated high school:

Sick ass notes I wrote to my friends

It was folded up very intricately so that every unfold revealed more caution about how offensive the context of this note was. 

To my friend's surprise, this note contained absolutely no relevant information whatsoever. Just some poetry that makes me realize how much of an asshole I was. But a funny asshole.

Seriously, I had enough time to get into major detail about how much caution to take upon opening the note that I probably wasted an entire class. No wonder I barely made it to graduation.

Guess who's back in the muthatruckin house!??

I tried to caption this picture "We're Baaaaaaaccckkkk!" on my Instagram while tagging us at the game, but due to the University of Phoenix stadium not having free wifi (WTF), I could not reach an Internet connection in time to upload my pic and tag myself there. Poor us :( #2012problems

There isn't much more, but go ahead and enjoy the rest of what I managed to document before complete inebriation.

Mel & Val

Buds & Birds

Twinning!! 

Group Hug!

P.S. So now I know why I don't remember leaving the stadium on Friday night or not even knowing about a shooting, I checked my bank account and realized I spent over $70 on beer that night. Yup, those $9 beers are mind erasers. Watch out world!

Thank You notes aren't always good

A conversation between a coworker & I regarding the Thank You note I wrote him (which thanked him for being annoying and giving me someone to be mean to, and for bringing in his wife's delicious baked goods)

Me: I would just like to make one last comment about the thank you note that you were sooooooooo priveledged to receive from me...

SP: ok all ears

Me: At least it said thank you for something in particular, like being annoying and more importantly, for sharing your wife's wonderful goodies. I'll have you know that I made our IT guy a thank you note and on the inside, his said: FOR NOTHING
So yours was actually nice, you should feel really good about yourself now

SP: Poor Rick i understand his pain. But I do feel good, really good; that was a good diet coke i just had

Me: Wow, you two should link up and start a group so you can cry to each other instead of to yourself in the mirror.

SP: what the 'dudes against senseless gina violence' group?

Me: more like senior citizens, not dudes

SP: ok "senior citizens against  senseless gina violence."

Me: I'm not violent though. Maybe mentally abusive, mayyyyyyyyyybe. I'd like to think of it more as motivating

SP: thats violences ugly cousin

Me: Whoa whoa whoa, now you're calling my cousin ugly? Wow, who's the real bully here?

SP: im not violent though, bullies are violent.

Me: I didnt say you were violent

SP: maybe mentally abusive, mayyyyyyyyyybe

Me: every bit of your being is mentally abusive to anyone in your path

SP: my being isn't made of bits, its made of atoms. I'm not a computer program.

Me: every organism of your being. Even the thought of you is quite revolting.

SP: i told you im made of atoms. I'll have to ask beetlejuice what you are made of

Me: Sometimes when I think of you, I want to punch a newborn baby...
right in the throat

SP: you might get in trouble if you punched a newborn and blaming me might not hold up in court

Me: Well, if i explain the situation, Im sure any judge would understand... Actually it would just most likely cause a domino effect of newborn babies being punched, one person explaining it to the next then punching a baby... Or it would just be one brutally beaten newborn baby.
The choice is yours.

SP: "your honor, prior to said newborn beating, i thought of scott.  when i think of scott i want to punch babies.  it is therefore not my fault but his your honor."

Me: Now that is logic, powerful

The Awful Truth

How judgmental are we as a society? lol Guess you better step out into the world dressed to impress.

Change

I was thinking about my Deal Breakers post from the other day and realized that sometimes after your new manfriend has had enough of playing his Prince Charming role, he might show his true colors and start to act like one of those guys. Then what do you do? Leaving just can't be THAT easy!!! I mean, you've dated him for a whole month and a half and have invested WAY too much time & feelings!! So you're best option is to stick around and wait for him to change.

Sure relationships change people after time, they are supposed to and they're supposed to change both people for the better. But you don't go into a relationship with someone you don't really like expecting to change their personality to your liking. Would you buy a horse and expect it to turn into a freaking unicorn? No, cause it's a horse!
It's so sad to think that people stay in relationships in hopes to change the other person or just wait around for that person to change. Instead of just saying "Well I tried, and you tried, and it's apparently not working so let's go our separate ways", they choose to stick around and try to "fix" this person themselves. The worst part is that some women think this change that will be brought on by consistent nagging, measly threats and holding back the vagina. Which is obviously not going to make either partner in this relationship any happier. Or maybe they ignore it; they stay in complete denial that they are bothered with their partner's actions and act as if nothing is wrong and then they marry that person to live happily ever after.

A while ago I dated this guy who was cool to hangout with and had a dry sense of humor which I admire, but I noticed that his "dry humor" I once thought was silly and admirable, started turning into him just being an asshole. All the time. The night I had enough of it was when he picked a fight with me, accused me of being mad at him when I was definitely not, then when I told him I wasn't mad, he insisted I really was and after me saying "Well now I'm starting to get mad cause you're annoying me" he gave me the good old "Fuck you" and hungup on me. Yeah, this really happened! A 28 year old man told me "Fuck You" over absolutely nothing. Well that was definitely the deal breaker. Afterwards, I just thought to myself  "Ok, you want to go ahead and give me the 'Fuck You', well now that's definitely never happening and you can go ahead and fuck yourself'.
After about twenty something texts and God knows how many rejected calls later I finally agreed to speak to him. When I told him that it just wasn't going to work he gave me the whole "I know I can be harsh, but I'll change for you" speech and I just straight out told him "No thanks". I explained that I wasn't there to change him, and that "asshole" (I didn't use that term) was who he was and I wasn't going to deal with that because I didn't have to.

If you start dating someone and you find characteristics that you just really do not like about them, then move on to someone else. It is really that simple. There is no need to stick around and compromise your feelings. That's who they are, so leave and find someone who is more suitable for you. Why? Because you are a grown ass adult, now act like one. They will eventually find someone who likes them just the way they are, or more than likely they will realize no one likes those characteristics about them and change it themselves. The only change you can make, is your partner.

Change comes from within... not from someone else bugging the shit out of you.

Repopulation

I have a theory that my family has some sort of evil demon in their head repeating this very word to them... and they do as he says... whenever he says.

My family is super close and are all pretty much in the same age range. I have 5 siblings and we have 4 cousins that we grew up with living within one mile of us, with so we consider each other brothers and sisters. Growing up, birthday parties were a blast and going out to dinner for someone's birthday was always an adventure. We are still really close to this day and that I am extremely thankful for.

Well now that we're all older, they've decided to have children like the world has been wiped out of the human species and God said "I choose this family to repopulate the earth". I have 10 nieces and nephews just from my siblings; my "other siblings" have a total of 7... I think that's right. Don't get mad at me if I forgot someone, use a condom! Now this doesn't include all of the other children in my family; I would have to spend all day doing that because my Dad has 8 sisters and 1 brother and my mother has 2 sisters and 2 brothers and I don't even know how many kids trickle down from that... Now do you understand the title of this post and why I don't have children???

It never fails, our gatherings are a blast. Whether it's bbq'ing on Sundays, holiday celebrations, baptismals or tailgating; we eat, drink, and have a good time. Sometimes there's a nip slip and sometimes we get just a taaaad bit rowdy and get in fights... But when it comes to birthday parties, that is just craziness all around whether it's a kids party or adult outing. I feel like birthday parties are the most hectic gathering for this fam, or really, any large family. Not everyone needs to show up for Sunday bbq's, tailgating, or 4th of July hangouts; but a birthday party, it's like you have to go because your kids will hate you forever if they miss their favorite cousins pinata and jumpy thingamajig. Plus you'll miss out on the delicious food, so you go. Parties at houses usually turn into an adult event with coolers full of beer, adults wrestling each other in the jumper, and the cops getting called at 1am. Peter Piper's are usually overtaken by our family then we all go back to someone's house to continue the adult fun. And then there's the times we decide to go out to sit down restaurants for the adults birthdays...

Normally on one's birthday, you want to go out to your favorite restaurant with the people you love the most surrounding you while eating your favorite meal. Not me, I've decided to opt out of this for celebrating my birthday for 3 good reasons:
   1.) This family is never on time.
Like Joe Pesci says in Goodfellas "Yeah, you were always fuckin' late, you were late for your own fuckin' funeral". My sister has to make 3 different sets of invitations for birthday parties! Three!! One set for her white friends (who are always good at being on time) and another set for my family that usually says the party is at 2pm when it doesn't really start till 5pm. The 3rd invitation is for my aunt who's invitation says party time is at Noon that way she'll be there by 6 the latest. The chances of the restaurant letting us sit down without the entire party there are slim to none.

   2.) Hassling restaurant employees to make room for and serve 24+ people their correct food.
The minimum wait time for a party this big is usually an hour, when you're waiting for one side of the restaurant to leave so you can all sit together. Even if we did make a reservation, we'd still wait till everyone got there so the waiters could take orders. Just looking at the faces of the waiters taking drink and food orders then bring them out to the correct person makes me pity them. Thank God restaurants do that automatic tip for parties of 8 or more.

   3.) Splitting the bill.
This usually takes an extra hour after everyone has finished their meals and is ready to be on their way. Most waiters ask in advance if and how the bill will be split, but it always happens that someone got the wrong items on their bill or was over / under charged. It wouldn't be that big of a hassle for everyone to throw your money on the table and leave, but in this day and age no one carries around cash. So we have to wait for the waiter to correct the bill, then run all of our cards and bring them back to sign. What's worse is just yesterday, my family went out for a few birthdays and the waiter put the bill all together and gave them a pen to figure out their own totals. WOW! What a jerkoff! Apparently my Ma thought the same cause I was told she was about to get fist to cuffs with the staff for pulling that stunt.

Ahhh.... I love my huge family!!!