What I Look Like While Getting Ready & Listening to Beyonce's Single Ladies

I'm going to be a brave little toaster this weekend

This is my favorite.

Feel no obligation to be social.

Whenever I flaked on my friends, I would feel terribly guilt-ridden and have to come up with some extravagant lie to cover my ass. It was exhausting and, most importantly, pointless. Instead of telling an elaborate lie, why didn’t I just tell them the truth? Eight times out of 10, the reason why I flake on someone is not because I hate them but because I’m just not in the mood to hang out. Maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed, maybe I’m tired, maybe I’m just in a rotten mood. It’s usually not personal! So now I just will tell someone “Yo, I am in a crappy mood and want to be by myself tonight!” and that’s that. You can’t argue with being in a bad mood. It feels liberating to be honest and now I have no guilt whenever I bail on plans. (Perhaps my heart has just turned cold and black though?)

Double the #YOLO: Tell someone that you didn’t text them back last night because you just didn’t want to. (LOL, I dare you. You have to be a brave lil’ toaster to commit this sin.

via ThoughtCatalog

Thank You notes aren't always good

A conversation between a coworker & I regarding the Thank You note I wrote him (which thanked him for being annoying and giving me someone to be mean to, and for bringing in his wife's delicious baked goods)

Me: I would just like to make one last comment about the thank you note that you were sooooooooo priveledged to receive from me...

SP: ok all ears

Me: At least it said thank you for something in particular, like being annoying and more importantly, for sharing your wife's wonderful goodies. I'll have you know that I made our IT guy a thank you note and on the inside, his said: FOR NOTHING
So yours was actually nice, you should feel really good about yourself now

SP: Poor Rick i understand his pain. But I do feel good, really good; that was a good diet coke i just had

Me: Wow, you two should link up and start a group so you can cry to each other instead of to yourself in the mirror.

SP: what the 'dudes against senseless gina violence' group?

Me: more like senior citizens, not dudes

SP: ok "senior citizens against  senseless gina violence."

Me: I'm not violent though. Maybe mentally abusive, mayyyyyyyyyybe. I'd like to think of it more as motivating

SP: thats violences ugly cousin

Me: Whoa whoa whoa, now you're calling my cousin ugly? Wow, who's the real bully here?

SP: im not violent though, bullies are violent.

Me: I didnt say you were violent

SP: maybe mentally abusive, mayyyyyyyyyybe

Me: every bit of your being is mentally abusive to anyone in your path

SP: my being isn't made of bits, its made of atoms. I'm not a computer program.

Me: every organism of your being. Even the thought of you is quite revolting.

SP: i told you im made of atoms. I'll have to ask beetlejuice what you are made of

Me: Sometimes when I think of you, I want to punch a newborn baby...
right in the throat

SP: you might get in trouble if you punched a newborn and blaming me might not hold up in court

Me: Well, if i explain the situation, Im sure any judge would understand... Actually it would just most likely cause a domino effect of newborn babies being punched, one person explaining it to the next then punching a baby... Or it would just be one brutally beaten newborn baby.
The choice is yours.

SP: "your honor, prior to said newborn beating, i thought of scott.  when i think of scott i want to punch babies.  it is therefore not my fault but his your honor."

Me: Now that is logic, powerful

Yo, dude needs to get new friends

If his friends have ZERO reaction to this:

Epic Dock Jumping Fail - watch more funny videos

Not cool.
Not even a laugh?? I would've at least put my hand over my mouth like "oh shit!" or to hide the giant fucking grin stretched across my face.

I don't have a problem, I'm just being Patriotic

Green: Me
Grey: Bones

Love this

When someone tries to hug me for one too many seconds

What happens when you live with your sister's 5 children

Who wants to go?

funnyordie

Carry on people who have too much time on their hands

It almost upset me to see

how much beer these two wasted, until I realized it was Old Milwaukee beer.
Carry on with the tramp passes.

Hey, Pass Me A Beer! from Almost Twins

Littering and... littering annnnddd

So it's my time of the year that I am forced to throw money at the state by renewing my car registration and tags, but this year I'm going to pimp my hooptie by getting a custom AZ Diamondbacks license plate. It's all a very simple online process but the only trouble I'm having is trying to figure out what and if I want it to say something other than the normal jumble of letters and numbers that the system gives you by default.

This makes me think of how a friend and I who often carpooled were talking about all the different phrases and words on our fellow AZ citizens license plates like "TRUEDAT" and "DAWG" that just make you laugh and wonder if they are serious or a joke. We agreed that one day we were going to order custom plates for our own vehicles that said something respectably ghetto like either "OHFSHO" or "BLEEDAT" or even "TELLDAT".

Well ladies and gents, that day is today! Dreams DO come true!!!!!!

Definitely true to 90's fashion

mostly because you can't stop listening to it.

y-y-y-yeah!

Just in case you didn't know

Via

I had to repost this, I cannot stop giggling at my desk.

Kanye is Pissed

"After being accused of calling Kim K "his Beyonce," Kanye is setting the record straight. He's pissed words were put in his mouth comparing Kardashian with his best friend and collaborator Jay-Z's wife, Beyonce. " -Your Tango

First of all, It's funny that someone finally managed to piss of KANYE instead of vice versa.
Second of all, I felt it highly appropriate to generate this meme:

God bless the internet!

Ree! Ree!! Ree!!! Ree!!!!!!

You know what today is...

DISCLAIMER for those of you who are under the age of 30 and happen to have fun plans with your friends for the night:

• DO NOT go anywhere isolated with just your small group of drunk / high off your asses friends.
• DO NOT HAVE PREMARITAL SEX! You WILL die a slow and agonizing death before you get to finish.
• DO stretch those leg muscles before you go out, that way if your being chased by a psychopath killer you are prepared to run for your life. Literally
• DO carry some mace or some sort of defense mechanism that will give you a head start run.
• DO NOT trip like a dumbass if you are running from a psychopath killer & if your friend trips... you'll always have memories of them before that night.
• If you are not Caucasian: DO NOT be the only minority within your group of friends. Deranged killers love small groups of white people.
• And once again, DO NOT HAVE PREMARITAL SEX! You WILL die a slow and agonizing death mid hump!

Okay so serious question: What is with movie producers picking on people under the age of 30 for all horror films. Can the young generation please get a fecking break and someone throw a movie out there where a bunch of  people going through their mid-life crisis' get brutally murdered; say maybe after they get their cool new tattoos and buy their new Harley and then horror strikes on their first bike run? Hell, I'll even settle for a film based off a mass murder at the senior citizen rec center.

LET MY PEOPLE LIVE PARAMOUNT PICTURES!

Possibly the funniest Tumbly Tumblr out there

http://whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com

When I reach that point with someone fairly new to my life

that doesn't quite understand my humor or laugh at my jokes because they just look at me like:

Then I have to just tell them:

Wakey, Wakey

Eggs n Bakey!

So lately I've been noticing a trend on social media that show people using clever sentences to label their iPhone alarms that wake them up. Here's an example:

Guess I know what happens now since I haven't read the book.

Here's another from my friend Dita that cracked me up:

Oh so true.

So I decided to get in on the fun. 

Did I get the fuck up at 6? Nah, I decided to snooze for another hour & rush to work so my morning would seem more exciting ;)

Happy Tuesday planet Earth!

Papa Roach or Papa Dough?