FOUND!!!!!

One of the many reasons I barely graduated high school:

Sick ass notes I wrote to my friends

It was folded up very intricately so that every unfold revealed more caution about how offensive the context of this note was. 

To my friend's surprise, this note contained absolutely no relevant information whatsoever. Just some poetry that makes me realize how much of an asshole I was. But a funny asshole.

Seriously, I had enough time to get into major detail about how much caution to take upon opening the note that I probably wasted an entire class. No wonder I barely made it to graduation.

Break Ups

Via

Believe me, I would love to be one of those people who's all: 

"We loved, thank you. You've enriched my life. Now go, prosper."

But I'm much more:

"We didn't work out. You need to not exist."

Lisa Frank Status!

I don't know why but this morning I woke up thinking that Summer was going to be over, like, next week. But thanks to Google magic I now know that there are still 29 days left of Summer. Which to every girl out there, that means there's only 29 days left to wear all those ridiculously bright neon clothes/ nail polish/ eyeshadows/ frilly shirts/ cut off shorts & other crazy cool shit you spent all Summer stocking up on because in less than a month you get to put it all away for Fall. This also means I'm going to have to start DOING my hair for work and not have that "beachy wave" look aka "I went to bed with my hair wet and just threw some mousse in it this morning cause I slept in" look.

Damnit.

Anyways, beware Phoenix... starting tomorrow I'm going full force on the end of Summer fun looks!

No, I'm not a construction worker wearing this neon orange & yellow.

No, I did not rob a homeless person of their cut off shorts and shirts. 

No, I am no longer a part of the Lisa Frank Club with my bright pink & blue nail polishes. 

I promise you I own at least one brush and I know how to use it.

No, I'm not wearing these neon colors so drivers can see me because I plan on running at night. 

I promise I do not crimp my hair. It's called a DEEP WAVER!

Oh yeah, that "perfume" I've been wearing the last few months is called: Sport Performance by Banana Boat. It's my sexy Summer scent.

No, I do not think I am a gladiator in these sandals.

And last but not least, I promise I'm not always listening to cheesy pop/ rock songs and sippin' on cocktails by the pool acting like I'm in the next LMFAO music video. 

So consider yourselves warned! I hope the rest of you rock the shiznit out of your Summer wardrobe and beauty looks for the next 29 days.

Exes & Ohs

Guess who's back in the muthatruckin house!??

I tried to caption this picture "We're Baaaaaaaccckkkk!" on my Instagram while tagging us at the game, but due to the University of Phoenix stadium not having free wifi (WTF), I could not reach an Internet connection in time to upload my pic and tag myself there. Poor us :( #2012problems

There isn't much more, but go ahead and enjoy the rest of what I managed to document before complete inebriation.

Mel & Val

Buds & Birds

Twinning!! 

Group Hug!

P.S. So now I know why I don't remember leaving the stadium on Friday night or not even knowing about a shooting, I checked my bank account and realized I spent over $70 on beer that night. Yup, those $9 beers are mind erasers. Watch out world!

When they said it was going to be over 115 degrees today

I am completely miserable San Diego

I'm going to be a brave little toaster this weekend

This is my favorite.

Feel no obligation to be social.

Whenever I flaked on my friends, I would feel terribly guilt-ridden and have to come up with some extravagant lie to cover my ass. It was exhausting and, most importantly, pointless. Instead of telling an elaborate lie, why didn’t I just tell them the truth? Eight times out of 10, the reason why I flake on someone is not because I hate them but because I’m just not in the mood to hang out. Maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed, maybe I’m tired, maybe I’m just in a rotten mood. It’s usually not personal! So now I just will tell someone “Yo, I am in a crappy mood and want to be by myself tonight!” and that’s that. You can’t argue with being in a bad mood. It feels liberating to be honest and now I have no guilt whenever I bail on plans. (Perhaps my heart has just turned cold and black though?)

Double the #YOLO: Tell someone that you didn’t text them back last night because you just didn’t want to. (LOL, I dare you. You have to be a brave lil’ toaster to commit this sin.

via ThoughtCatalog

Thank You notes aren't always good

A conversation between a coworker & I regarding the Thank You note I wrote him (which thanked him for being annoying and giving me someone to be mean to, and for bringing in his wife's delicious baked goods)

Me: I would just like to make one last comment about the thank you note that you were sooooooooo priveledged to receive from me...

SP: ok all ears

Me: At least it said thank you for something in particular, like being annoying and more importantly, for sharing your wife's wonderful goodies. I'll have you know that I made our IT guy a thank you note and on the inside, his said: FOR NOTHING
So yours was actually nice, you should feel really good about yourself now

SP: Poor Rick i understand his pain. But I do feel good, really good; that was a good diet coke i just had

Me: Wow, you two should link up and start a group so you can cry to each other instead of to yourself in the mirror.

SP: what the 'dudes against senseless gina violence' group?

Me: more like senior citizens, not dudes

SP: ok "senior citizens against  senseless gina violence."

Me: I'm not violent though. Maybe mentally abusive, mayyyyyyyyyybe. I'd like to think of it more as motivating

SP: thats violences ugly cousin

Me: Whoa whoa whoa, now you're calling my cousin ugly? Wow, who's the real bully here?

SP: im not violent though, bullies are violent.

Me: I didnt say you were violent

SP: maybe mentally abusive, mayyyyyyyyyybe

Me: every bit of your being is mentally abusive to anyone in your path

SP: my being isn't made of bits, its made of atoms. I'm not a computer program.

Me: every organism of your being. Even the thought of you is quite revolting.

SP: i told you im made of atoms. I'll have to ask beetlejuice what you are made of

Me: Sometimes when I think of you, I want to punch a newborn baby...
right in the throat

SP: you might get in trouble if you punched a newborn and blaming me might not hold up in court

Me: Well, if i explain the situation, Im sure any judge would understand... Actually it would just most likely cause a domino effect of newborn babies being punched, one person explaining it to the next then punching a baby... Or it would just be one brutally beaten newborn baby.
The choice is yours.

SP: "your honor, prior to said newborn beating, i thought of scott.  when i think of scott i want to punch babies.  it is therefore not my fault but his your honor."

Me: Now that is logic, powerful

Yo, dude needs to get new friends

If his friends have ZERO reaction to this:

Epic Dock Jumping Fail - watch more funny videos

Not cool.
Not even a laugh?? I would've at least put my hand over my mouth like "oh shit!" or to hide the giant fucking grin stretched across my face.

Let it go

Change what you can
Let go of what you cannot,
and learn the difference.

Tumblr

I don't have a problem, I'm just being Patriotic

Green: Me
Grey: Bones